Pace Myself? Seriously?

In my little world, pacing onself is one of the skills you must learn or adapt to. For many its such a diffiult task and just another thing we need to add to the list of “to do's”! I

For me, its an admirable skill to watch in action. Primarily because I find it harder to do than most anything else. I am a type A personality trying so deseparetly to live a type B life. Maybe by the time I am no longer able to care for myself I will have figured it out.

Intellectually, I know that I need to practice pacing and for all that really care – self patience. It seems I am more patient with the rest of the world than with myself. And I think for me they go hand and hand. Emotionally, I want to run with wild with the horses by the sea....

.. So every day I wake up and think to myself about everything I want to accomplish. I check in with my body to see how its feeling. Where is the pain is the most severe, what is crippling me and what may work. I know I want to do my yoga because even if it hurts – I know its so good for me! I know it’s the right thing to do and my body will thank me later. I know I need to fuel my body and of course that brings the additional stress - what to eat, what my body will handle today without wreaking havoc on my stomach …God, my stomach has been through hell! I am trying to learn to be gentle with it. It’s not always easy. 

There is life beyond eating, and in order to feel human I need to do something productive and practice being functional. Thoughts running through my head -  can I clean the house, go for a long walk, have lunch with a friend. Or is it a day for sleeping and stretching. Who knows….and this is where pacing will go out the door. I can see my brain saying go for it, and there is no stopping the inability to pace unless something stops me first.  Yep just like that….in a moment it is gone….because if my body is working, I am going to fight to the finish to get as much done as possible. The warrior in me wants to fight and win the war but you know and I know, if I take on the battle I will eventually lose. I always lose this battle and yet I go on and on thinking one day I will win. Is this the mindset of someone trying to retrain themselves or someone who is beyond help and will just funnel down through the rabbit hole.

I ask, is my problem really about pacing or is it about self-control, or do they go hand and hand, and the list goes on.  I ask, is it about pacing because I know I really don't practice it - well at least not well. I don't know. Its all so confusing and seriously, I get a headache thinking about it. I get a headache thinking about pacing, which is a practice that my body needs to attain...kind of ironic. And with the feeling of being defeated, I will take myself to one of my favorite spots...sit back and watch the waves rush in and fall back, ebbing and flowing through their cycle. Why, because this I can do well...at least for a little bit of time.