It never seems to amaze me at how guilty I can feel when I am beyond wiped out, when my body cannot move and all I want to do is crawl in a hole. But even crawling into a hole would be tough. It amazes me because this is when life stands still for me. I know it means that I am beyond fried, spent, exhausted etc, for the day. My best friend for the day is a heating pad, a cup of tea and my pillow. It blows my mind because I do not consider this living and I want to live fully without having to plan every moment again. And everything I impose on myself to get completed, will not.
Looking around the house - there is dust, a pile of laundry waiting to be done and floors to be swept is so out of my reality today. This, in-turn, is when anxiety starts to build within the guilt and the torture I endure within myself creates even more physical pain. Intellectually, I know I do not need to have the feeling of guilt and not to get everything done, truly I do. Emotionally, I still cannot seem to bare it. But I have to pull myself out of the spiral before I fall through the black abyss and I make it worse. No-one is making me feel this way other than myself. The self-inflicted wounds are narcissistic now that I see it in black and white. How do you go from being a Type A personality to living a Type B lifestyle.
In the past, I was someone who was always on the go. Life did not slow down, it kept moving and I was running with it. My house was always clean, albeit never perfect but everything was put away neatly and dust rarely existed. My social calendar was full, I was in a job where I was paid to make decisions, I spent a lot more time at the gym, and not much phased me. The little aches and pains were just little. Now there are days when I watch the dust grow and the biggest decision I make is whether to lay on the couch or go back to bad. (Please know that not everyday is like this although when you have one of those days, you do feel as if its every day.)
The guilt rises within me like a tidal wave. The burdens I feel are of my own doing - no one is making me feel this way. It is me alone who feels as if I am not contributing in ways I believe I should. Bluntly, its a sucks. And sometimes the frustration builds to the point of being unbearable, bringing on the tears. This morning is one of those days.
You can look at me and not get it. You will have trouble comprehending what I am telling you because you do not see a sick person. I am not hooked up to a machine, I am not sneezing or coughing. (I may be running a temperature if its around 4 pm). There is nothing on the outside that tells you I do not feel well. You cannot feel the way the bones hurt, the throbbing in the head, the fire of the pain as it surges through my body. You won't notice the little things I notice on my skin, in my hair or in my case loss of it. You won't see that the liver is malfunctioning or the muscles feel like they have been through the ringer. You won't be able to understand the rage of pain searing across my chest and how it feels as if someone just keeps punching me from front to back and back to front. I don't expect you to get it especially in light of the fact, that I don't always get it.
There isn't a day that goes by that I do not feel some sort of physical pain. The degree of pain is all relative and hard for some on the outside to understand. A good day versus a bad day is different when you pain is always an element of life. I am lucky. I have learned methods that help register the pain lower such as meditation, pain modality therapies and certain forms of exercise, stretches and yoga. These tools do not take away the pain but they definitely help manage it.
These tools also help me manage the anxiety. I cannot say that for the guilt though - I have Italian and Jewish blood. I was doomed from the start when guilt is concerned.
Although my journey is mine, I know I am not alone. There are so many suffering from a multitude of Autoimmune diseases, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, etc. The knowledge I have gained is powerful. What I am learning about my illness's and others is amazingly eye-opening and the stream of my consciousness is extremely present. In the midst of pain, guilt and anxiety, I find myself once again filled with a sense of gratitude.
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