The List.

Every year or every two years we are suppose go to the doctor to have a physical. They call it a wellness-check. We get blood drawn, standard exams done - all to make sure our bodies are working properly.  It is during this moment or hopefully half-hour, we get to air our grievances of what's ailing us.  At the same time we need to hear the on slot of things we need to do to be a perfectly healthy human being. Everything from losing a couple of pounds, exercising and eating the right foods to name a few.  We are handed a list of screenings that should happen at this time of our lives from boobs, to butts and hearts. I am sure some of you know the drill.

If you are like most, you have a list in your head of what you want to discuss with the doctor but for some reason never get through it.  And once you have left, your banging your head saying why didn't I tell him/her about that.  I used to be that person. One day, I walked in with an actual list  in black and white and it changed my life in so many ways. 

A couple of years ago, I walked into my doctors office with a list that looked like I was Santa checking off who's naughty and nice. It was longer than my large intestine. Humiliating as it was, I went through the list, item by item while at the same time I was doubting the reality of all the symptoms. I felt as if the doctor was going to think I belonged in a psych ward instead of in his office. I kept my stand though mainly because tolerating the gut wrenching headaches, the lack of sleep or the constant nagging in my body for more sleep, or strange pains I knew weren't muscle soreness from the gym was no longer an option. I needed help. I was totally off my game, I couldn't focus. My stomach was a mess, my skin had changed and the list goes on and on. I knew something was wrong. What was wrong was the mystery.

Bringing the list, however long My list however long, was a wake up call for me as I read through it  and for my doctor. I offered a challenge and I wasn't going to back down. 

From here, I have surrendered myself to biopsies, Cat Scans, MRI's, vials and vials (and bottles) of blood that would make any vampire happy and to more specialists than I care to know exist.  Its as if the the threads of my being that were so elusive and tangled were unravelling and spinning out of control. Granted there are a lot of knots even still today and even the most precise tweezers cannot seem to untangle. You know your in deep, when you call the doctor's office, and they know your voice or you walk in and you do not even have to check in because as the receptionist looks up to see you walking in, she has your chart in the nurses hands. 

All this because I spoke up at a physical. All this because I chose to take action. And while its depressing at times, I know how lucky I am to have an incredible team of doctors and staff standing with me, yes, with me! .  My catastrophe is not so bad, I am breathing which is half the battle. And yes, it can be frustrating because there are still so many unknowns but its okay. My list saved my life.