Why is this blog named " Rising from the Fog" someone asked me....
And here is why.
You know what fog looks like, kind of mysterious in nature, like mist hanging over a piece of land so thick, you cannot see in front of you. Never mind trying to tread through it. Well honestly, for a long time that's how I have felt in a way.
One of my major complaints before diagnosis I had been complaining that I had a loss of focus, that I did not feel as sharp as I once thought I was. I couldn't concentrate for any great length of time - In a sense, I felt foggy. My brain worked and yes, I forget things and I am a little OCD on certain things but I knew somewhere in my brain what I needed to do, but it just wasn't clicking with the other parts of my brain. Trying to make sense of it all seems impossible at times. Those who suffer chronic illness can probably understand it first hand.
You just aren't yourself. Its confusing and its painful emotionally. Its frustrating and humiliating. Its just one big cluster of junk all put together like tangled Christmas lights you cannot unravel.
In knowing all of this, I over -compensate when I am "on". I keep running until I am dropped to the floor and can only lay there - emotionally and psychically spent.
Strange as it may be, yoga has definitely helped because in yoga I have to surrender and learn to see the bigger picture in the small footprint that is me. I am forced to just let go and rise from the fog, even if still foggy.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Its been awhile
Oh what a whirl wind I have been travelling on....and it seems that the ride is still going...
I am not sure where to start....
Because of my condition Paul and I decided to make a change in our live. We are headed south. We hope the more temperate weather will help ease some of the pain that I live with daily. We hope that I can start to see the value in myself again and will be able to be productive.
So in the past 6 months or so, we bought a new home, a business and the moving van is making its way here to pack our stuff and head South. We chose Hilton Head Island, SC mainly because of the opportunity given to us and the proximity to my parents. We weighed the pros and cons of my health care, his work, and our lifestyles and want and where we wanted to be in a few years. His job is still there - he will be working from home for most of the time and will spend 3 to 4 weeks at a time up North 3-4 months out of the year. Not a bad compromise for the security its giving us.
Doing this will allow us to spend more time together that is quality driven. I am not saying its a remedy to erase the pain because I am realistic. But it is one of hope...
Today I sit in Southie, staring out the window, remembering when we moved in together, wondering how we accumulated so much stuff and how leaving is so bittersweet.
I will not miss the feeling of being confined because to climb three flights of stairs is a lot when your hips, thighs, feet and arms are always screaming. I am not going to miss how I have felt since I have flown home - cruddy to say the least. What I will miss is the colorful characters who walk the streets. I will miss being able to walk to downtown Boston (which I haven't been able to do in a few years). I will miss the history and the sounds of the metro bus outside the window. I will miss my friends and family.
As you know leaving family, can be rough and I know that we will live each day torn with the anguish of leaving some of our dearest family and friends. However, a true friend never leaves your heart...and they are embedded in your soul.
I am looking forward to the next chapter...
I am not sure where to start....
Because of my condition Paul and I decided to make a change in our live. We are headed south. We hope the more temperate weather will help ease some of the pain that I live with daily. We hope that I can start to see the value in myself again and will be able to be productive.
So in the past 6 months or so, we bought a new home, a business and the moving van is making its way here to pack our stuff and head South. We chose Hilton Head Island, SC mainly because of the opportunity given to us and the proximity to my parents. We weighed the pros and cons of my health care, his work, and our lifestyles and want and where we wanted to be in a few years. His job is still there - he will be working from home for most of the time and will spend 3 to 4 weeks at a time up North 3-4 months out of the year. Not a bad compromise for the security its giving us.
Doing this will allow us to spend more time together that is quality driven. I am not saying its a remedy to erase the pain because I am realistic. But it is one of hope...
Today I sit in Southie, staring out the window, remembering when we moved in together, wondering how we accumulated so much stuff and how leaving is so bittersweet.
I will not miss the feeling of being confined because to climb three flights of stairs is a lot when your hips, thighs, feet and arms are always screaming. I am not going to miss how I have felt since I have flown home - cruddy to say the least. What I will miss is the colorful characters who walk the streets. I will miss being able to walk to downtown Boston (which I haven't been able to do in a few years). I will miss the history and the sounds of the metro bus outside the window. I will miss my friends and family.
As you know leaving family, can be rough and I know that we will live each day torn with the anguish of leaving some of our dearest family and friends. However, a true friend never leaves your heart...and they are embedded in your soul.
I am looking forward to the next chapter...
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