Redefining Me?

I would have never thought I would be trying to figure out how to live again.  It seems to be an ongoing theme in my life.

Years ago, I started over because of a divorce. I started over again and again after several layoffs and today, I find myself starting over again because of illness. Strange how that is to me. So foreign yet so familiar. This time (over the course of a couple of years so far), I am so unsure of my being. I am stuck between my will and my ego. I am in a war with myself.

The limitations - physical in nature, is something I did not have before. I used to be able to go to the gym and work out to my hearts delight - pushing myself to another level. Today sometimes lifting a jar of peanut butter can be taxing. My mind is all clouded and it is not as sharp as it used to be which brings on total frustration. How can I get that back, will it ever come back. The pain, what is the scale of pain and where does it most hurt...here, no here, no there...ask me in a minute, my answer will change. But even bigger than that, am going to be paralyzed by it for the day by it.  I know that my body is broken and that the stomach hates me and my liver is not in the best of conditions. In fact, the condition of the liver sucks but its just a fact of my life. I know foods I once loved make me sick. I know my hair used to be thicker and shaving my legs is no longer an issue. (some of you are really, you don't shave your legs, but when the choice is taken, the whole mental thing comes into play.) I know I am stuck in a place where obstacles are a daily word and sometimes there is no getting around them without changing who I am and what I can do. 

I know I have had choices taken away from me before - I had a full hysterectomy at 27. So the choice to carry a child was never an option. Kind of ironic, I wanted a house full. And its not that I wasn't graced with children, I was through my first marriage. I am a step-mother to three amazing young women. And even now, I with Paul, I have two amazing young adults in my life. So yes, I have children - five to be exact, all grown, some with children of their own. I am blessed. 

But I digress....how do I start again? How do I redefine my dreams, my hopes, my passions, my world? To be honest, its such a struggle in my head. It's the war between the wants and can haves. Intellectually, I know what is best for me and how to make the best of a not so great situation. Emotionally, I suffer because I almost feel as if I have let myself down. Granted, I have done everything I need to do from a medical standpoint. I see the doctor (way too much), I stretch, do yoga and even exercise. I eat fairly well, I educate myself. I use the modalities taught to me by professionals. I just don't know where I am going at times. The things I so wanted originally for myself and Paul are in the past. I cannot have some of them. Maybe, I am trying hard to save my dignity in a way; to salvage my dreams....

One small step brings me into today. One small step each day is a part of my evolution. Am I really redefining myself or is this all one big master plan? This is what I will most likely ask myself for years to come as I find passion in things I never dreamed of, live life to the fullest of my capability. My dreams and hopes will change colors as they ride through the wind and I am grateful to have them.  I am breathing! I am learning to let go and be filled with grace and humility. I am surviving to be the best I can be. I am living in today. 

Without self-care, self-love; we are not whole,only pieces of shattered glass.

In life, we often take too much for granted, such as self care, self love.  Like glass, life is fragile. When it breaks it shatters, sometimes into tiny little pieces and we can get lost in the midst of the daze of crackling glass all around us.

This past weekend, one of my best friends lost someone close to her. A family member. The passing came sudden and this person was far to young to leave this earth. No one saw it coming. No one can believe it happened. The shock and devastation have left this family feeling as if their heart was ripped from them. They are moving in slow motion trying to figure out the pieces of not the loss of their lives too on how to walk through moments, the hours, and days ahead without their loved one. 

Its all so unsettling to think about. My heart breaks for my friend, her husband, her sons and the extended family. I cannot take away the pain. I cannot put a band aid on it and see it heal. Life is not like that and neither is death. I can hold her hand as she tries to mend the heart of her children and help her husband battle his pain. I can listen and let her know she is loved.  Most of all, I can remind her to take care of herself, that her life is priceless to all around her and she needs to be the best she can be - for herself, for her loves. 

It also reminds me, that my life is priceless and my ability to be the best I can be is essential to my well being. Having the medical issues, I have are obstacles in my way to my optimal health. I cannot let those keep me down. Self- care is a priority. Self-love = a better life.

<3

Keeping it Real!

Okay, you know when you do something so little, so stupid and the next thing you know your back is sending shock waves of pain up the back, down the back, in the groin and down the legs....well I feel so STUPID.

In the wee hours of the morning about 10 days ago, I tweaked the back. Yep, it took all of -2 seconds to feel the surge rush through my body.  How the really stupid thing happened doesn't really matter. But dang it hurts something fierce.

So does it hurt more because of the underlining issues or is it all from the very small tweak? Well I can tell you that all the other aches and pains have happily come together to sear the pain through my body sending crazy signals to my brains through my nerves. Unfortunately, when you are sick and pain is a part of your everyday existence, doing something stupid that causes more pain, only adds to the misery and makes the trigger points more sensitive - at least in my opinion. At this point, pinpointing the source of the pain is almost impossible. 

And yes, I have done everything, stretch, walk, meditate, acupuncture, massage, heat, pain relievers...please someone give me a break here. 

Last week, I couldn't even write. The pain was so intense. Does that mean I am progressing I guess so. The worst part was that I had to travel. 

We all know it sucks to be in pain because of a back tweak or any other debilitating factor. 
Please understand I am not complaining. Honestly, I am kind of laughing because if I don't I will cry. I am just keeping it real. 

Is there a message in this, nope, just a part of everyday living.