Redefining Me?

I would have never thought I would be trying to figure out how to live again.  It seems to be an ongoing theme in my life.

Years ago, I started over because of a divorce. I started over again and again after several layoffs and today, I find myself starting over again because of illness. Strange how that is to me. So foreign yet so familiar. This time (over the course of a couple of years so far), I am so unsure of my being. I am stuck between my will and my ego. I am in a war with myself.

The limitations - physical in nature, is something I did not have before. I used to be able to go to the gym and work out to my hearts delight - pushing myself to another level. Today sometimes lifting a jar of peanut butter can be taxing. My mind is all clouded and it is not as sharp as it used to be which brings on total frustration. How can I get that back, will it ever come back. The pain, what is the scale of pain and where does it most hurt...here, no here, no there...ask me in a minute, my answer will change. But even bigger than that, am going to be paralyzed by it for the day by it.  I know that my body is broken and that the stomach hates me and my liver is not in the best of conditions. In fact, the condition of the liver sucks but its just a fact of my life. I know foods I once loved make me sick. I know my hair used to be thicker and shaving my legs is no longer an issue. (some of you are really, you don't shave your legs, but when the choice is taken, the whole mental thing comes into play.) I know I am stuck in a place where obstacles are a daily word and sometimes there is no getting around them without changing who I am and what I can do. 

I know I have had choices taken away from me before - I had a full hysterectomy at 27. So the choice to carry a child was never an option. Kind of ironic, I wanted a house full. And its not that I wasn't graced with children, I was through my first marriage. I am a step-mother to three amazing young women. And even now, I with Paul, I have two amazing young adults in my life. So yes, I have children - five to be exact, all grown, some with children of their own. I am blessed. 

But I digress....how do I start again? How do I redefine my dreams, my hopes, my passions, my world? To be honest, its such a struggle in my head. It's the war between the wants and can haves. Intellectually, I know what is best for me and how to make the best of a not so great situation. Emotionally, I suffer because I almost feel as if I have let myself down. Granted, I have done everything I need to do from a medical standpoint. I see the doctor (way too much), I stretch, do yoga and even exercise. I eat fairly well, I educate myself. I use the modalities taught to me by professionals. I just don't know where I am going at times. The things I so wanted originally for myself and Paul are in the past. I cannot have some of them. Maybe, I am trying hard to save my dignity in a way; to salvage my dreams....

One small step brings me into today. One small step each day is a part of my evolution. Am I really redefining myself or is this all one big master plan? This is what I will most likely ask myself for years to come as I find passion in things I never dreamed of, live life to the fullest of my capability. My dreams and hopes will change colors as they ride through the wind and I am grateful to have them.  I am breathing! I am learning to let go and be filled with grace and humility. I am surviving to be the best I can be. I am living in today.